


Guiding Light

by saffarinda (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Ableism, Alcohol, Amputation, Blindness, Blood, Cancer, Depression, Happy Ending, Hospitalization, M/M, Medical Conditions, Medical Procedures, Medicinal Drug Use, Sexual Content, Swearing, Wordcount: Over 10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:56:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/saffarinda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan struggles through a condition causing him to lose his eyesight, and Phil helps him cope and learn to love life again. NOT MY WORK; ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BY DANALINGPHIL ON TUMBLR!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guiding Light

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally written by Danalingphil on tumblr, and with their permission I have uploaded this content to ao3 for any future readers. I in no way take any credit for any of the content you are about to read.
> 
> On a lighter note, I apologise for the slow postage rate. I have over 170,000 words to go through (I'm trying to correct spelling + grammar as quickly as possible, so if you notice some mistakes please correct me by leaving a comment) and am also not using my own laptop to post these as it is broken. Hopefully I can post a minimum of one oneshot/chapter per week, however I'm going to aim to post more, but don't be surprised if I fail to do so. 
> 
> Also, I changed the spellings to British English rather than American (i.e. Mom to Mum) firstly because I'm English so this is what I was accustomed to whilst editing this, and secondly because Dan and Phil are English, so I felt it would be more fitting.
> 
> A quick note, I'm not actually as boring as I sound in these notes IRL, I just do this incase I get any accusations regarding me plagiarising this work. hmu @ mahrandomfandoms on tumblr if you want to have a more relaxed conversation. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy the next 18,000 words!

After hearing about disease and illness repeatedly in the media and in entertainment, it seems more like a plot line than an issue in real life.

Stories of rare diseases and injuries that only happen to one in a million people or so cover magazines and the internet, but the realism of the situation is never truly considered. The chance of blindness caused from cancer is rare, but it happens to few unlucky souls who never saw it coming.

Phil just never thought it would be his best friend.

Dan desperately tried to ignore his steadily declining eyesight. He put off having an eye test for nearly a year, even though he could barely see the computer screen without leaning in until he was an inch away. It wasn’t until after calling Phil into the office multiple times in one night to read parts of his emails that he agreed to go for the eye test.

Dan’s vision was blurry and he was seeing spots, he just needed glasses. Of course that was the explanation.

He came home from the optometrist with trembling limbs from the anxiety rising in his chest. He walked fast Phil, assuring that everything was fine and there were just a few more standard tests he needed. He was fine and nothing was going to happen, nothing like this was going to happen to him, his next appointment would prove that.  
He didn’t have cancer. That couldn't happen.

***

Dan was still scheduled for a high-resolution ultrasound biomicroscopy before his fears could be confirmed, but, unfortunately, they were.

Intraocular melanoma—tumors in his eyes that had been blurring his vision and causing Dan to see spots the whole time he denied needing an eye exam.

Phil had been editing when he’d received the exceptionally hysterical phone call from Dan, who was hiding in the toilets after hearing his test results.

Dan was the type of person to wait until he was lying on their deathbed to go to A&E. Phil couldn’t help but think if he had forced him to go check out his eyes sooner—because he knew Dan would put it off—that they’d have found it when it could have been easily treated. They could have found the cancer before the tumors were so large that the chance of it spreading was dangerously high, and the likeliness of removing it without a biopsy was devastatingly low.

Several tests determined that it hadn’t spread to other parts of his body, but immediate action would be required to prevent it. He was at a high risk already, and there simply wasn’t enough time.

Phil rushed to the doctors as soon as he got the call. He paced in the waiting room while Dan talked to the doctors, and jumped up when Dan finally came out.

“I have to get an enucleation in my right eye.” Dan said with a strained voice.

“Is that where you—”

“Have to remove my fucking eye. Yeah. Then attempted radiation in the other. Attempted. So it might not even fucking work and I might be fucking blind.” Dan said, his voice going high-pitched. He was already turning to walk out of the doctors and to their bus stop. Phil had to jog to keep up with him as he racked his brain for something to say.

“I’m sorry.” He finally choked out, so quiet it was a surprise Dan even caught it.

“That helps a lot, Phil.” He spat.

“Things could be worse!” Phil said, trying to stay optimistic.

“It could be terminal, yeah, I know. Dying doesn’t sound too bad right now,” Dan said.

Phil just stared at him. He felt his chest tighten and his throat catch, and he blinked vigorously, wishing there was some way to cheer up his best friend, whom he’d never seen so sad. Who didn’t deserve to be this sad.

It could have been anyone. He sat on the bench at the bus stop next to Dan once he finally caught up. He scooted closer to Dan, hesitantly lifted his arm and started to rub Dan’s back in attempt to comfort him.

Phil had comforted him numerous times before, but most times Dan’s sadness was due to an internal crisis that he could learn from and move on from. Phil always found a way to comfort Dan, and he always somehow managed to sort Dan’s thoughts out for him. This was much more extreme, and even though Phil knew Dan better than anyone else, he was having trouble finding the right words to say.

Dan turned and rested his forehead on Phil’s shoulder, his neck awkwardly bent forward. He didn’t cry or do much of anything as they waited for their bus.  
He stared at the stitching on Phil’s t-shirt, squinting his eyes to try to see every little detail that had always been so overlooked, so underrated and unappreciated when he’d been almost certain of life long vision.

***

Enucleation in one eye; attempted radiation in the other.

He even made it onto those news webpages that seldom told any truth. Famous British Vlogger Dan Howell with Eye Cancer – Quitting YouTube? Phil scoffed reading the title. As if Dan would give up his passion. He even gained a few thousand subscribers from the attention that came with the uproar when he released the news.

The surgery was on a Thursday. It was gray and gloomy out, feeling appropriate for the occasion, though most days in London were like that.

The whole waiting process felt long and surreal, and Dan’s name trended worldwide through the whole day with everyone being equally nervous.

The doctor finally came out, assuring that everything went as expected, a success, and Phil tweeted the good news as he waited until he could go visit.

Dan barely cracked a smile when Phil walked into recovery with a McDonald’s bag under his hoodie and said “Aye, aye captain!” but that didn’t stop Phil from making as many attempts to cheer him up as he could.

Radiation was started almost immediately. If there were not signs of improvement, removal of both eyes was the only solution.

The only way Dan got through the next few months was with many distractions. He was able to get a glass eye in a couple weeks (which did not even come close to the lovely, warm brown colour his eyes were) but it looked normal enough, especially at first glance, even if he was quite self conscious. The cheesy pirate jokes stopped, and Dan was back to making videos and spending extra time with his family and friends.

But the months went by a way too fast, and there was no improvement whatsoever.

Throughout the days, Phil couldn’t help but notice, leading up to the inevitable surgery, how Dan was constantly staring around, and taking in his surrounding everywhere he went.

Dan would walk around with his eyes wide like he was trying not to blink to maximize the amount of time he had with his vision. He looked at people and pictures like he was trying to engrave the images in his mind forever.

Phil could feel Dan’s eyes on him one day, but he pretended to not notice. He focused on staring at the TV, hoping his face hadn’t gone red and that his hair was in place. He knew thousands of people stared at his face on the Internet everyday, but he still felt self-conscious.

He could feel the tension, and he just couldn’t help himself from turning his head to meet Dan’s gaze.

Dan didn’t jerk his head away in embarrassment like Phil had expected, instead he locked eyes with Phil, and didn’t move an inch. Phil just stared back, being at a loss for words and feeling his heart speed up at the intensity of Dan’s gaze.

“You have nice eyes.” He said simply. He looked at Phil for a few more seconds, and then turned his gaze back to the TV.

“Oh…thanks.” Phil said, not looking away from Dan yet.

Dan’s eye scanned the room, taking in all the things he must have memorized. He spent more time staring out the window across the room, admiring the sun shining through.

To say it was heartbreaking was an understatement. Phil still didn't really know what to do, except show Dan all the pictures of cats and pretty skies that he could find. He wasn't sure if it made Dan feel better or worse, because Dan’s emotions seemed to have been washed away substantially. His laughter seemed bland, and his smile didn’t reach his eye. 

His dimple hadn’t made a full appearance since before the news.

He didn’t know if a real smile would resurface anytime anymore, because it was apparent that Dan would be completely blind in just a matter of time.

It came shockingly soon and before they knew it, more tests were done and Dan was admitted for another surgery.

Phil paced in the waiting room, not knowing what else to do while Dan’s fate was sealed. Their lives had changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. He didn’t know what this meant for the both of them. Dan’s job and social life and past times were tampered with, and practically being a double act, Phil couldn’t help but feel like his life was changing drastically as well.

Phil’s eyebrows were creased in worry when he ventured to see Dan for the first time after the final surgery.

He knew Dan was devastated, and it was hard to see someone you love so much—maybe too much—be in such pain. He didn’t want to see Dan struggling with everyday life activities and being frustrated with himself constantly. It was hard enough to deal with previous self-hatred.

He was bracing himself to walk into the room to see Dan in hysterics, or sobbing on the floor. He peaked in the room before walking fully in.

“Hey, Dan? It’s me, Phil.” He finally said, walking into the room. Dan was sitting up in his hospital bed, with a pressure bandage over his eye. He looked expressionless and his body was slightly hunched. His other eye was closed.

“I think I know my friends voice, Phil.” Dan murmured, looking tense.

“Right, sorry. So…how do you feel?” Phil asked.

Dan just scoffed, opening his mouth to probably make some sarcastic comment.

“Sorry, don’t answer that, stupid question,” Phil muttered, trailing off into silence.

He didn’t like seeing Dan with the bandage. It made him uncomfortable and it made him want to do anything not to see Dan in pain. He made an effort to keep his eyes anywhere else. Realistically, it didn’t matter if he looked like an idiot avoiding Dan’s; Dan would never know.

He felt a bit awkward just standing there, so he moved closer, making his footsteps loud enough for Dan to hear. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders tightly, holding him close for a few seconds. He rubbed his back and then sat in a chair next to the hospital bed.

“Really though, are you in pain or anything?” Phil asked.

“I just feel pretty numb right now. I asked for a shit-ton of painkillers,” Dan replied, his mouth set in a frown.

“That’s good, then. Is it what you expected? You don’t seem to be handling it too badly.”

Dan shrugged, and then slowly shook his head. “I thought I was kind of prepared, but as soon as I woke up I was so shocked and I could barely breathe. I thought it would be like closing my eyes, right? Just blackness. But there’s nothing. Fucking nothing, I don’t know how to describe it. I try to look at something but I just come up blank. I’ve never experienced anything like it and I don’t like it, I don’t fucking like it, it’s fucking—”

“Shh, it’s okay, you’ll get used to it, you knew it was going to be weird at the start. It won’t always be like this.”

“Okay, okay, fuck, it’s just crazy.”

“I know, I can’t even imagine it,” Phil said.

“What if I start to forget what being able to see feels like? What if I lose my memory and there’s nothing left—”

“Don’t think about it, you’re not going to forget,” Phil said firmly. Dan opened his mouth, but closed it and nodded once, biting down on his lip hard. His eyebrows were raised in horrible worry and his mouth was a heavy frown.

Phil watched as a doctor walked into the room and headed to the other side, behind a curtain where the shadow of another patient could be seen.

He couldn’t help but think about all the pain in the world. There were hundreds of rooms in this hospital, and all with multiple people crammed into them. Sickness and disease and pain were so abundant; there must be so many families and friends clearly hurting. It had never really crossed his mind that him and Dan could be in this position. Maybe that was ignorant.

Dan suddenly reached his hand out towards Phil, moving it back and forth and down until he finally came into contact with Phil’s knee.

“Is that you?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, that’s my knee,” Phil said. 

Dan’s hand moved up on his thigh, patting around.

“You’re coming closer and closer to my crotch,” Phil said, staying still.

“Shit, sorry. C-can…I know this is weird, but can I have your hand?” Dan asked hesitantly, outstretching his palm.

“Oh…sure?” Phil said, slowly slipping his hand into Dan’s, and lowering them to rest on the bed.

“Sorry, I just feel kind of…I don’t know, lost and vulnerable? Like everyone could just run away and the world could explode and I’ll just sit here confused and in the darkness. I just…I just wanted someone to hold onto,” he sputtered.

“Oh, yeah, no problem Dan.”

“Sorry for groping you. You have your hands on your legs a lot so I was just going to grab it instead of awkwardly asking, but I guess either way is pretty creepy,” Dan said, tilting   
his head down.

“No, I understand. Awkward groping is probably bound to happen now that you don’t have sight,” Phil reassured.

“Don’t mind me if I accidentally give you a hand job.” Dan said, laughing and then mumbling a quiet “sorry.” Phil just laughed and squeezed his hand.

“I’m glad you’re calm and everything. I expected you to be freaking out right now.” Phil said, relaxing and slowly stroking his thumb back and forth against the back of Dan’s hand. He coughed, and stopped his actions. He couldn’t enjoy the gesture too much.

“I’m trying really hard not to panic. I keep telling myself this is only temporary and that can open my eyes later and that everything is okay, and as soon as I stop thinking that I feel this burning in my stomach and I feel like screaming. I don’t k-know what t-to do, because I know deep down this is all really happening and I’m fucking blind, like this is really happening, fuck I’m—“

“Shh, don’t think about it, I’m sorry I brought it up,” Phil said quickly.

“But it’s true, and I’m fucking blind. I won’t have sight for fucking ever. I’m never going to see my wife or my children or my family or anything ever again,” Dan said, his voice high-pitched.

“Don’t think about it, please don’t be sad.”

“Can you distract me?” Dan asked, almost stumbling over his words.

“Okay, yeah…um…do you want to know what you’ve missed in the world of sight so far?” Phil asked jokingly.

“Oh, I’ve missed a lot have I?” Dan asked, his voice trembling.

“Oh, loads. Scientists found a live dinosaur.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah, it’s available for viewing right now.”

Dan shook his head at Phil. 

“They also discovered a whole new colour,” Phil said.

“I mean, I have no reason to not believe you,” Dan said, letting a small smile slip.

“There are also women stripping in the other side of the room right now.”

“You’re so lame,” Dan said.

Phil ruffled Dan’s hair, and Dan slapped his hand away, smiling softly. Dan took a deep breath.

“Thanks, Phil.”

*** 

They got a taxi home when Dan was released, as Dan didn’t want to even try to blindly walk through the busy tube stations yet.

His limbs were trembling and his breathing was loud and shaky. Phil walked behind him with a firm grip on his shoulders, leading him in the right direction down the hallway to the doors exiting the hospital.

Dan walked slowly and hesitantly, outstretching his arms like he expected Phil to ram him into a wall.

“Dan, I promise I won’t let you run into anything or go over something that might make you trip. I’m not that mean,” Phil said sweetly. “Just walk normally.”

“I don’t like this, I don’t like this….” Dan choked, his voice high-pitched and strained.

“It’s okay, I won’t let you get hurt.” Phil insisted.

 “I want to be able to see, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Dan said letting out a choked sound that could only be a sob.

Phil stopped leading Dan forward, instead putting his arm over his shoulder and leading him to the side.

“There’s a wall here, sit down for a minute,” Phil said. Dan reached out, feeling the stone wall and turning around to sink down on the floor so he was leaning against it. His breathing was frequent and panicked and his whole body seemed to shake.

“I’m being a brat, I’m sorry.” He said in a shaky voice.

“Don’t apologize, you have every reason to panic. Is there something I can get for you?” Phil offered, kneeling down in front of Dan and taking his hands. Dan squeezed tightly, his   
nails digging into the skin but Phil tried to ignore the painful grasp.

“I want to fucking open my eyes and see,” Dan choked out. 

Phil fell silent, not having a single clue how to comfort Dan anymore. He tried to focus on his breathing just so he wouldn’t burst into tears just seeing Dan like this.  
Phil slowly moved to the side of Dan and put his arms tightly around his shoulders. Dan leaned into him.

“I don’t want to live like this, I’m already fucking done!” Dan said loudly. People walking past shot glances to the hysterical boy on the floor, their eyes laced with pity and confusion. Phil was glad Dan didn’t have to see it.

“It’ll get easier as you get used to it!” Phil said comfortingly, hearing his voice break.

“It will never be g-good, Phil.”

“You’ll be okay, when you were a teenager you thought you’d never be happy again, right?” Phil asked, perking up.

“K-kind of.”

“Well you made yourself happy and you can do the same again!” He said. Dan didn’t react. He rested his head back against the wall, letting out a heavy sigh. Phil sat with him in silence, watching the people walk by, sneaking glances to Dan.

“Are people staring?” Dan asked after a couple of minutes.

“No….”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Just a few people,” Phil said.

“Let’s just go home, please,” Dan sputtered, starting to push himself up.

“Of course” Phil said, standing up and pulling Dan up the rest of the way. Dan was still trembling and there were definite sobs coming from his mouth, but he was trying to relax and Phil new Dan well enough to know he didn’t want to have a mental breakdown in front of people, no matter the situation. He put his arm around Dan, leading him a bit quicker out of the building.

He managed to get a taxi quickly, most likely a sympathetic stop seeing Dan’s bandage and panicked breathing. He clutched onto Phil’s shirt, pinching his skin and stretching the material.

“I just want to be home,” he murmured, trembling.

 “I know, we will be really soon, okay?”

Phil reached down, grabbing Dan’s legs and leading Dan onto the steps. It was a bit awkward, his hands on the backs of Dan’s calves and a butt in his face, but Dan was clumsy enough and was already tripping over the entrance to the car with the help.

He moved slowly, looking scared and Phil felt slightly exasperated, wondering how it was so hard to get into a car with no sight, but he didn’t say anything but encouraging words. Dan finally found the seat, moved across on his own, and patting along the window for the seat belt. He missed it completely, patting against the seat. Phil leaned across him,   
placing a hand on Dan’s shoulder and grabbing the seat belt, clipping Dan in.

He sat back, telling the taxi driver their address while he kept a comforting hand still on Dan’s shoulder.

Phil stayed quiet, a worried look on his face as he racked his brain for anything that he could say to make Dan feel better. He could wrap Dan up in blankets, give him ice cream and a spoon and play some music when they got home, but would that be enough to stop his panic? How long would this continue? Forever?

Their home wasn’t too far from the hospital, and Dan hadn’t quite calmed down by the time they arrived at their home. Phil slowly coaxed Dan out of the vehicle, feeling the driver’s impatient gaze on him. He tipped him better than he normally would, then put his arm around Dan and slowly walked up to the door.

“Stairs coming up…here. Lift your leg up now,” Phil said. Dan started walking up with more difficulty than was probably necessary.

“I probably look like an idiot,” Dan said, exaggerating his steps so he didn’t trip.

“You do,” Phil said, smiling at Dan. 

He realized he couldn’t see that a second later, so he settled for affectionately petting Dan’s head so he didn’t get the wrong idea. To his relief, Dan just let out a long breath.

“I’m sorry, I’m a mess, I just can’t believe this is all actually happening,” Dan said, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“I know, I didn’t expect any less from you. I’d be worried if you didn’t have a mental breakdown actually,” Phil said softly. Dan hiccupped, still crying. His face was almost completely tear-streaked.

They finally made it up to their flat, and up the stairs. Phil immediately led Dan to the lounge so he could sit on the sofa.

“Do you want some water?” Phil asked, kneeling in front of him, placing his hands on Dan’s knees to give Dan some sort of idea as to where he was.

“Vodka would be better.”

“I don’t think you’re not allowed alcohol while you’re on anesthetics,” Phil said, not sure if he was joking or not. Dan let out a sigh.

“Yeah, water’s fine.”

Phil hurried to the kitchen, not wanting to leave Dan alone for too long. He quickly got the water, in a plastic cup just in case Dan’s clumsiness reached a whole new level. He walked back to the lounge, making his footsteps heavier so Dan could hear where he was.

He pressed the cup against Dan’s hand so Dan could awkwardly grab it. He sipped at the liquid, his hand still shaking.  
Phil sat cross-legged on the couch right next to Dan. He reached over, wiping his thumb against Dan’s cheek, where it was wet with tears. He retracted his hand, seeing Dan’s body tense up a bit. Too far, still just friends.

They fell into silence, the tension hanging in the air like fog. Dan pulled his legs up, looking like he was trying to curl in on himself. He looked so young and fragile; it reminded Phil of how he was when they first met. He was lost and scared and just about anything you said could make his anxiety rise. He still seemed more stable then than he does now. Phil watched Dan’s face as more tears fell from his uncovered eye.

“Do you really think it will get better?” Dan asked, not bothering to wipe away the tears. More would come if he did.

“Yeah, definitely. It will become a lifestyle and you’ll learn to deal with it. I read a bunch of forums online, and apparently it’s easier than it seems.”

“You researched stuff for me?” Dan asked, his mouth falling open slightly.

“Yeah, while you were in the hospital. I was going to wait for you to adjust slightly before I told you, but I found a lot of helpful stuff. I found classes for reading Braille and some   
support groups or counsellors for what you’re dealing with specifically. There are sites where you can order blackened glasses if you want those, not all of them are really dorky. I have a bunch of stuff bookmarked—”

“You’re amazing,” Dan said simply, cutting Phil off.

Dan reached his arm towards Phil until he found his shoulder. He scooted closer, and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. He curled up, pressing into Phil’s side, and taking the hem of Phil’s shirt in his fist. He pressed his face into Phil’s chest, making sure not to put pressure on his bandaged eye.

“I don’t want you to be sad,” Phil said.

He stopped trying to hold himself from hysterically crying. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan as he let sob after sob erupt from his chest.

“I don’t want to be blind,” Dan whispered.

“I know,” Phil said, pulling him snug to his chest.

Phil held him tight as Dan let out every pent up emotion bottled up inside.

***

The good news was that the first night was the worst night and every day after got gradually better. The bad news was that it was a pretty fucking bad night.

Phil had never seen Dan cry so much. He’d never seen anyone cry so much really. It was understandable of course; like everyone else in the world, Dan relied on eyesight for everything. It was a huge part of his job. He didn’t know how he was going to work through all of his filming and editing and social networking, and he didn’t have a degree to consider something else. The few jobs that could be done without working eyesight were unimpressive to him and a huge step down anyways.

Most of his hobbies were along the lines of video games and video watching. It had become a huge part of his life, getting emotionally invested in pixels on the screen, but that was clearly impossible now.

There were so many things that would become difficult. Shopping, cooking, reading, and even going outside would take a lot of practice and he was going to need supervision for a very long time.

Dan poured his heart out to Phil, most sentences being incoherent while he was a blubbering mess. Phil played with Dan’s hair ‘hmm’-ing at all the right points and speaking encouraging words when Dan took a breather. He thought up as many solutions as he could—audio books, speaking operated video games, Braille—but truth be told, there were so many things that could not be fixed.

The dreadful night finally came to an end though, and Phil managed to convince Dan to go to bed. After practically force-feeding Dan his medicine, he finally agreed to try to sleep.

Phil had to get Dan’s tooth brush and put tooth paste onto it and lead him to the sink and to a towel and to everything he could have needed. He then led him to his room. Dan immediately stripped his clothing, while Phil awkwardly stood there, not quite sure of what to do with himself. Dan was stripping down to his underwear and Phil had the easiest chance to check Dan out. He turned around, feeling guilty for having that thought even cross his mind.

He led Dan to his bed after, and even tucked him in. He was feeling very sympathetic and had a quite strong urge to shower him with affection until he wasn’t so sad anymore. He just had to be careful to not cross any lines.

“Goodnight, Dan. Try to think of nice things,” He said, patting Dan once and starting to back away.

Dan reached his arm out and opened his mouth to say something almost immediately after Phil stepped back, but he paused and seemed to change his mind. He frowned and laid his head on the pillow, and Phil stared at him for a moment.

“Were you going to say something?” Phil asked before the pause became too lengthy. Dan just shook his head.

“Are you sure? Don’t hesitate if you need something,” Phil said, kneeling next to the bed.

Dan did hesitate, but he just said, “No, it’s fine, promise,” and gave a small, obviously forced smile. Phil frowned at him, knowing he was too stubborn to convince.

“I’ll be in the next room. Just yell or bang on the wall if you need something, okay?” 

“Okay, Phil. Goodnight now, you can leave,” Dan said, and Phil patted his side and left the room. He stopped before he ventured into his room.

He took a deep breath and let himself fall against the wall. It was surreal that this was happening. It felt like a nightmare that would never end and he felt exhausted already.  
He’d done his research. Very few people turned completely blind after a life of sight, but it was said to be one of the hardest things they could go through. In his eyes, Dan deserved the whole world. He didn’t deserve to go through something like this.

Phil let himself breathe for a minute, trying to calm his nerves until he finally turned into his room.

He sent out a few messages to friends and a reassuring Facebook post about Dan’s condition and that he was fine. He at least hoped he was telling the truth.

There were mentions of Dan’s condition on every site, people sending nice words and prayers Dan’s way. Phil made note to show—no read a few of them to Dan. Phil soon opened up YouTube, wanting a small break from worrying.

He immediately went to Dan’s channel, putting in headphones and opening his most recent video. It was posted a fair amount of time ago, but no one blamed him for long breaks between videos anymore.

He stared at the screen, watching Dan’s eyes. They were alert and responsive and the nice brown colour that could never be copied onto a prosthetic. He remembers how they used to have that glint when he smiled and how they used to tint red in harsh sunlight. Before, he could stare into Dan’s eyes and immediately feel calmer. He always had to make an effort to look away before he lost himself in Dan’s eyes.

He switched to the last Phil is not on fire, smiling at the scene. Dan hadn't smiled that widely in a long time. It was refreshing to see, but at the same time it was unbelievably heartbreaking. How long would it take to get another genuine smile out of Dan?

Phil felt a tear slip down his face, but he didn’t bother wiping it away. Might as well let it out when Dan wasn’t around. He opened another video of the two of them, feeling unbelievably nostalgic but finding himself unable to stop.

He always tried to refrain from watching old videos of him and Dan. Sometimes he analyzed things worse than the fans. He wondered what was going through Dan’s head when his gaze would linger on Phil for a few extra seconds. He wondered what went through Dan’s mind when he hugged him or complimented him. Dan would blush and smile widely when Phil got too near, did it mean he felt the same butterflies as Phil did? Did he have feelings that passed friendship long ago?

If Phil was honest to himself, it was probably nothing and he should discard of every last hope inside of him.

He’d gotten used to it, and he was unbelievably happy with everything in his life, but there were bad days. Days when they could barely stand to be in the same house as Dan and days when the sexual tension must have been felt from both parties. No one said anything though, that would ruin everything they’d ever built up.

The little crush was admittedly much more than a little crush now, but that was too terrifying to even think about, so he just pushed it to the back of his mind.

He couldn’t seem to turn off the videos though. He went through the recent ones and then some of the first videos they made together, when they were substantially more immature and happy-go-lucky than now. It was refreshing to see.

The nice thing about YouTube was that you get to cut out all the bad parts and show the perfect friendship that was under all the stress. He smiled at the screen and hugged his arms around his torso.

The little marathon cheered him up after the emotional day. It was getting late quickly. He’d watched Dan’s smile gradually brighten up through the years and it could happen again.

He was back to his optimistic self. Things would turn around.

He closed his laptop, deciding to get some sleep. It would definitely be preferred to wake up before Dan and be prepared for everything that was ahead.

***

A tremor went through his body when he heard the scream.

He sat still for a moment in complete shock. He felt like he was punched in the gut and his ears rang with the sound of Dan’s high-pitched scream, alerting him out of sleep. He had to push himself off the bed, and once he was on his feet, he sprinted to Dan’s bedroom.

He pushed the door open, accidentally banging it against the wall. He didn’t have time to worry about if he dented the wall, he just ran to Dan’s bed where he was thrashing around a lot.

“Dan, Dan calm down, you’re okay!” He said loudly, grabbing Dan’s shoulders. Dan’s hands immediately grabbed Phil, his nails digging into Phil’s arms.

“Phil, Phil, Phil, oh fuck, I can’t see.” Dan said, starting to cry almost instantaneously.

“I can’t see, oh my God, I’m fucking stupid, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Dan cried, pulling Phil to him. Phil leaned down, putting his weight on Dan and hugging him as best he could from where he was.

“You’re not, it’s okay, and you’re okay.” Phil comforted.

“I was almost asleep,” Dan sniffled, “and my phone buzzed. I tried to look at it and I opened my eyes but there was nothing there and I panicked, I fucking forgot, I’m sorry I’m   
fucking stupid but I just got so scared because I feel like I should have waken up by now from this fucking nightmare.” He let out a loud hiccup and put his hands over his face.

“It’s okay, things won’t feel normal for a while, I don’t blame you!” Phil said, slowly breathing more normal.

He held Dan for a minute, hearing his jagged breaths slowly calm down. Dan finally released his clutch on Phil and pulled back slightly.

Phil leaned back from Dan but sat down on the bed right next to him, and put his hand carefully on Dan’s side. Dan grabbed Phil’s arm, just holding him there. He let out a couple sobs, sniffling and wiping his cheek.

He opened his mouth to say something, but he shut it after small hesitation, just like before.

Phil stared at Dan for a moment, wondering what it could be that he was so hesitant to ask Phil. He rubbed his hand up and down on Dan’s side, thinking. He knew Dan better than anyone; he should know what he wants.

“Hey…do you want…I mean…would you mind if I sleep here tonight? I want to make sure you’re okay.” He finally said quietly, and he watched as Dan’s face relaxed substantially.

He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want to be a bother. Typical Dan.

“Sure, that’s fine.” Dan said, shifting to the other side of the bed, feeling for the second pillow and laying his head on it. Phil crawled under the covers, moving closer to Dan. He reached out and wiped Dan’s cheeks with his thumb, trying to rid of the tears that were sticky on Dan’s skin. It was a wonder that there were any more tears for Dan to even shed.

Dan sniffled and shuffled slightly closer, until Phil could feel his body heat and his breath on his face.

Dan shuffled down on the bed to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil moved his arm lightly around Dan’s body, his face heating up because there was a lot of skin and him and Dan hadn’t done anything like this since the beginning of their friendship. It had always felt like there were certain boundaries that had been put up as time went on.

Dan just sighed in relief, taking Phil’s hands in his, holding onto Phil. He squeezed tightly, but Phil tried to ignore it along with every single nerve on his body being on fire.

“This doesn’t mean anything, okay?” Dan said softly, probably feeling Phil tensing up.

“I know.”

“We’re not going to be cuddle buddies now, I just feel better with a person here. Just for tonight.” Dan said, and Phil forced out a short laugh.

“I know, what ever makes you happy.” Phil said, trying not to let any sadness seep into his voice. Dan just squeezed his hand once.

They fell into silence for a few minutes, just listening to each other’s breathing.

“What do you think life’s going to be like now?” Dan asked suddenly, readjusting on Phil’s chest. Phil turned his head to look down at Dan.

“I don’t really know. We’ll just go with the flow I guess.” Phil shrugged.

“You’re going to get sick of me.”

“Do you really think that’s going to happen?” Phil said, sounding exasperated.

“If I keep bugging you for help, yeah. I can’t even walk around on my own. You’re going to want out of this house in a week.” Dan said plainly.

“I’m not going to leave you.”

“Don’t make promises. It’s okay, I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You’re not a burden, you’re my best friend.” Phil said firmly.

“I know that, but I don’t want you to secretly hate me and feel obliged to put up with me. I can’t handle people pretending to like me.” Dan said.

“I’m not going to get sick of you.”

“Hypothetically then, God. Please don’t ever lie to me.”

“Fine, but it’s not going to happen.”

“I wish I could believe you. Goodnight.”

Phil opened his mouth to retort, but closed it, leaving it alone.

He could just show Dan that he would stay and help him through what ever he needed.

***

Phil woke up first the next day. He carefully woke up Dan, hugging him tightly when Dan opened his eye and started panicking about not being able to see. He remembered quickly, and just fell back on the bed breathing heavily, and just covered his face with his hands, cussing under his breath.

Phil laid with him for a few minutes until Dan was completely relaxed. He finally excused himself to go brush his teeth and start the coffee for him and Dan before too much time passed.

He went back to the room in a few minutes, helping Dan walk to the lounge and sit down on the sofa.

He went back to the kitchen, pouring Dan a cup of coffee and making it how he liked it, and then pouring Dan’s cereal. He made his own breakfast, and then carried all the stuff to the lounge in two trips.

He sat down next to Dan and picked up the remote out of habit. He was just about to hit the power button when he remembered Dan. It ran through his brain that it would be inconsiderate to make Dan sit and listen to his favourite shows when he couldn’t see.

He slowly put the remote down, just picking up his spoon to eat.

The air was too still, and the only sound was of their spoons on the bowls. It was too quiet.

“You can watch TV if you want, I’ll just listen.” Dan finally said, realizing the difference.

“It’s okay.”

Phil didn’t know what to do. Things felt unnecessarily tense and awkward and different.Their lives were relatively routine set, and everything had changed. It felt silly to stress over the fact they couldn’t watch television while they ate breakfast, but it was hard to feel normal now.

Phil knew Dan must feel even worse, and he thought for a moment for something to say.

“Hey…remember first moving here from Manchester?” Phil asked. Dan nodded, focusing on getting cereal on his spoon.

“It was kind of horrible and we were starting to regret everything because it didn’t feel as homely.” Phil said.

“And we had no money, yeah.” Dan said, nodding along.

“Yeah, we had no furniture and had to sleep on mattresses on the floor.” Phil said with a laugh, and Dan chuckled along.

“Oh God yeah, and it was freezing cold with those little blankets. I was sure we were going to end up on the streets in a month.” Dan said, the tension easing from his face with the conversation.

“Yeah, but it turned out to be a good change even though it felt horrible at the start. You’re glad we moved here right?” Phil asked.

“Yeah…is this some sort of metaphor about my eyes?” Dan said, skepticism seeping into his voice.

“You caught me.”

“Are you trying to insinuate that this is going to turn out to be a good change?” Dan asked, slightly bewildered.

“Well…no, but I’m saying it might not be as bad as you think.”

“I appreciate you trying, but honestly, I don’t think it’s the same thing. There are no positives that can come out of being blind.” Dan said.

“Just because there are no added positives doesn’t mean life can’t still be great.”

“Phil, this is fucking ruining everything, it’s a giant negative. I want to be happy too, but it kind of feels like my life is over.”

“Dan—”

“I know I should be grateful the cancer isn’t terminal as of yet, but this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me. Don’t bother trying to be optimistic.” Dan said.

“You really don’t think you can be happy again?”

Dan didn’t say anything, he just swirled his spoon around his bowl of cereal.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked.

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m sad and life sucks. Just going to have to accept it.” Dan said, sounding casual but stooping his head as he kept talking.

Phil felt a bit sick. He hated feeling useless and hopeless. He liked having all the answers and being able to make his friends feel better. He prided himself on being a comfort to those who were in pain, he would stick with people as long as they needed, especially Dan.

But his mind was blank and he was disgusted in himself for feeling the slighted bit pessimistic. Dan was giving up and it made his head hurt.

Dan was still young and he was pessimistic and his greatest flaw was giving up on himself.

Phil clenched his hands into fists, kind of wanting to punch something. He took a few breaths to calm himself, he was never one to lose his temper and he wasn’t going to do so now. He could still help Dan; he wasn’t giving up on him.

“Is there anything you want to do today?” Phil asked weakly, deciding to drop the conversation. Dan shrugged, looking inappropriately casual.

“I downloaded some audio books, maybe I’ll just sit and listen to those.” Dan said, his head still down, like he was ashamed.

Phil just nodded, even though Dan couldn’t see. He hesitantly picked up the remote, turning on the television and quickly switching to a music channel. The silence felt like too   
much in a time like this.

After he finally put down his cereal, not having the appetite to finish, Phil took Dan aside to change his bandage.

It was one of those things he knew he could go a whole lifetime without seeing. He’d become quite desensitized to gore in movies after his many years, but seeing injuries in real life always got to him. It reminded him of the time he’d seen a dog get his jaw surgically removed and he’d fainted at the sight.

He didn’t want to make Dan feel guilty though, so he squeezed his lips shut, not bothering to hide his grimace, and he willed himself to stay conscious. He told himself it wasn’t so bad over and over again, as he removed the pressure bandage, barely glancing at the gash.

He quickly bandaged Dan up again, squinting his eyes to try to blur his own vision. He mumbled quiet apologies as he taped the bandage up, noticing Dan’s obvious discomfort. He really hated doing this to him.

He followed Dan to his room, finding his phone on the side table and plugging in Dan’s headphones. He started the book Dan requested, and put it in his hand. Dan crawled under the covers, curling in on himself with headphones in his ears. He had a pout on his face, but he just waved Phil away.

Phil sighed and left, not knowing what he could do to help. It really was a crisis, and he didn’t want Dan falling into depression. He couldn’t let that happen.

He spent a few minutes making a milkshake for Dan and set it on Dan’s side table, before leaving to go to the shop to get food for him to make a nice dinner for Dan. Food was a slightly pathetic comfort to give, but it was something. Especially because it didn’t seem like Dan was planning on getting out of bed.

He set aside Dan’s pain medication so he wouldn’t forget to give it, and he kept the place clean. He spent a good while walking around and moving all the things Dan was prone to trip over or run into. He taped cloths over some especially sharp corners throughout the house, knowing Dan would end up running into them multiple times.

It helped things move more with ease throughout the next couple weeks, and Phil spent a lot of time accommodating for Dan, trying to make things the easiest he could.

Dan was still unbelievably accident prone, but Phil would come running every time Dan fell off his bed or missed a chair or ran into every single wall, and he would try to get a smile out of Dan with cheesy jokes and he would check his injuries, which were mostly just painful looking bruises. Most of the time he’d take Dan’s arm in his and lead him to wherever he wanted.

Dan would try to do things himself, like make simple food, but he often dropped things or spilled things, and he would always swear in frustration and Phil would take over his job while Dan just left to distract himself with music or audio books or podcasts.

Phil could feel himself growing weary and frustrated everyday. He felt like a slave and Dan struggled with things he thought were the simplest things in the world. He didn’t bother putting a smile on his face because it didn’t matter, and he kept going through the motions, because Dan’s happiness was important to him.

Phil could proudly say Dan was getting less frustrated with Phil taking over, but he couldn’t say that Dan was doing things with more ease and becoming happier.

They still had long talks and Dan held Phil’s hand sometimes for comfort, and their other friends came over and they tweeted happily, but there was that lingering uneasiness. Dan was in a constant struggle, and he barely got out of bed.

Phil didn’t really know what to do.

***

Phil practically dragged Dan outside after a few too many days, telling Dan that keeping the window open was not sufficient fresh air and that walking from his bedroom to the lounge was not enough physical activity.

He brought Dan on a trip of errand that were in walking distance of their home, hoping to avoid having a good chance of losing Dan in the crowd.

Dan was clearly very uncomfortable being outside, walking hunched over and not lifting his head for a moment. His arm was hooked tightly around Phil’s elbow, and he walked so close to Phil that they kept tripping over each other’s feet.

When they finally got into a small shop selling DVD’s, Dan pressed himself against the wall, looking like he was trying to blend in or disappear. Phil cleared his throat.

“Um, what do you think for my Mom’s birthday? A Walk to Remember or Going the Distance?” Phil asked, grabbing both DVD’s and moving to lean against the wall next to Dan, who looked very uncomfortable . He bumped Dan’s shoulder with his own gently to let Dan know he was there.

Dan shrugged, distractedly scuffing the floor with his shoe, looking distracted.

“You okay?” Phil asked.

“I mean, it would be nice to see, but what else is new.” Dan said, frowning.

Phil moved a bit closer, so their arms brushed against each other.

“Do you feel really uncomfortable being in public?” Phil asked. Dan didn’t reply for a few moments.

“I mean, it’s the same thing where I don’t know what’s happening and I feel kind of unsafe all the time. But also, I just feel so much more self-conscious when I can’t know what I look like, or when I don’t know who’s around. I have this stupid fucking bandage on my face and I can’t do my hair or anything with no sight, I know I look like shit, and I know everyone’s staring at me.” Dan rambled on.

“Well for one, you don’t look like shit. You never look like shit and I hate you for it.” Dan scoffed loudly.

“You don’t. Don’t even pretend you don’t know how attractive you are.” Phil muttered, watching people move around in the store and glance curiously to the two men leaning against the wall in the corner.

“Stop flirting with me, Phil.” Dan teased after a moment of thinking what to say. A small smile showed up on his face. Phil felt his cheeks heat up and was suddenly very thankful Dan couldn’t see it.

“Shut up, I’m just being honest.”

“Well maybe you have a weird fetish for hobbit hair and a huge pressure bandage eye patch, Phil, but most people are probably disgusted.” Dan muttered.

“You’ll get the bandage off in a couple weeks anyways, and your curly hair is nice.”

Dan shrugged, leaning his head back against the wall.

“I don’t know why you even wanted me to come out with you, I’m just getting in your way aren’t I?” Dan asked.

“No you’re not, I need you to help pick out stuff. And you’re good company.”

“Wow, I’m so flattered Phil, keep rolling in the compliments.” Dan said, his voice laced with sarcasm. Phil half-heartedly smacked his arm.

“Shut up, I’m just being a nice friend. ” Phil said with a laugh. “I’m just going to get both movies, come on, let’s go.” Phil said, pushing himself off the wall. Dan started walking forward.

Phil browsed the movie titles and walked next to Dan in what was hopefully a straight line so he didn’t have to physically lead him.

He noticed a second too late when Dan walked slightly to his right, and bumped into a table with movies stacked on it. Phil grabbed Dan’s arm, but the table shook and a few DVD’s fell crashing to the floor, loud enough for everyone in the store to turn and look.

“Shit.” Dan muttered, walking a step back and cringing.

Phil immediately kneeled on the ground, starting to scoop up the DVD’s. He saw a few scratches on the cases, but he pretended not to notice and he started to stack them back up on the table.

He glanced up to see a harsh looking female worker standing a few feet away, with crossed arms glaring directly at him.

“Um…sorry.” Phil stuttered, standing up with the last of the DVD’s.

“Our company will give service to any and all disabilities, but it is expected that those people take measures to not be a nuisance in our store.” The lady spat, nodding towards Dan.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t his fault, I should have been watching him.” Phil said weakly.

“Yes, that should be expected.” The lady said, her eyes piercing into Phil’s skin.

Phil left all the DVD’s there, not bothering to take the one’s he’d picked out for his mother. He put his arm around Dan and started to walk with him, careful to keep Dan far from and shelves. He quickly walked out of the store, not looking back or saying anything more to the rude lady.

“For fucks sake, you couldn’t have told me I was going to run into that thing?” Dan said angrily, holding his hip where he bumped it.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Well you’re fucking supposed to. And do you see? People are judging me for being blind. Fuck, I am a nuisance.”

“You’re not—” Phil started.

“Don’t, I know I am and I know people notice me and judge me and it fucking sucks so can you just take me home?” Dan asked, his voice growing weak, as if he was too tired to fight.

Phil took Dan’s arm, and started to walk with him in the direction of their home, silently hating every single person he caught sneaking glances to his blind friend.

***

Dan’s parents came to visit and offer their support. Dan tried to tell them the travel wasn’t necessary, but they insisted that phone calls weren’t sufficient.

Phil came home to find them walking out of the lounge to meet him with tight hugs.

“Oh, sweetie, it’s good to see you. We were talking about how we need to come visit more, and then we can see you with Dan! Oh, or you should come on vacation sometime, you know you’re always welcome, a friend of Dan’s is family to us…” Dan’s mum rambled on, finally letting go. Phil made himself smile widely and nod along, always being a bit surprised by how affectionate Dan’s family was. His father was more laid back like Dan, but they both made their adoration for Phil clear.

He followed them into the lounge, seeing Dan on the couch, looking slightly tense.

“Dan talks about you all the time but it’s so nice to finally see you again, you’d think we’d see more of someone so important to Dan.” She said, giving a quick squeeze to Phil’s cheek. Phil gave a glance to Dan, smiling at the red tint growing on Dan’s cheeks.

“It’s good to see you too, Mrs. Howell.” He said sweetly, letting a small laugh escape his lips. Dan nervously fiddled with his fingers, looking slightly awkward.

Dan’s dad sat on a chair across the room, and his mum sat on the couch motioning to the middle cushion for Phil.

“We hear you’ve been helping a lot.” Mrs. Howell said fondly.

“Oh, I…not really, I’m just doing what anyone would.” Phil said bashfully.

“Okay, Mum.” Dan muttered, as if to say that’s enough.

“Well I’m glad you’re here for Dan through this tough time, it makes me worry much less, knowing I can trust you.” She said.

“Of course, always.” Phil said, smiling and not looking at Dan.

“You’re joining us for dinner, aren’t you? It sounds like Dan has made a wonderful dinner.” She exclaimed.

“I’m just heating up a roast, Mum. I can’t cook when I can’t see.”

“I’ll stay for dinner.” Phil agreed, smiling at the small banter.

“That reminds me, I should go put it in the microwave. Don’t bombard Phil, I need him to help pay rent.” Dan joked, standing up and kissing the top of his mother’s head after slowly reaching out his hand to find her. He was becoming smoother with his actions. She just laughed softly and Mr. Howell grumbled from across the room as Dan walked out of the room.

Mrs. Howell watched Dan leave, waiting until his footsteps couldn’t be heard. Phil bit his lip.

“So…be honest. Is Dan doing okay?” Mrs. Howell asked tentatively.

“Yeah, he’s doing okay. He’s a bit sad but…y’know…he talks to me about it and he finds things to keep him busy.” Phil said, trying to choose the right words.

“We’re going to make more effort to visit more, but we still just want to make sure he’s okay if we can’t be around much.” Mr. Howell said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Yeah, we just wanted to ask, could you call us if things get bad?” Mrs. Howell said. Phil nodded immediately.

“Of course, I’ll call you if I get worried. I know he’s struggling a bit, but I guess that was expected.” Phil said. Mrs. Howell smiled fondly at him, and Phil felt a burst of happy recognition. Dan had his mother’s eyes.

“Thank you, darling. I remember when he was younger he was going through a tough time and we didn’t know how to get through to him. But…after he met you, things improved. I don’t know what you did, but you really helped and…we truly are grateful that you’re here.” Dan’s mother said.

“It’s no problem, you know I’m happy to help him.”

“I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be here for my boy.” Dan’s father stated.

Phil smiled widely, nodding and being at a bit at a loss for words, hearing how genuine his voice was.

“It’s so great to see he has such a great…friend?” Mr. Howell said, surprising Phil when his voice rose to sound like a question.

“Friends.” Phil confirmed, blinking.

“Okay.” Dan’s father said simply, sounding the slightest bit sceptical.

The sound of Dan’s soft footsteps could be heard, so no one said anything else and Phil tried not to think about what Dan’s father meant by that. Phil turned his attention back to the wonderful familiarity in Dan’s mother’s eyes, feeling his heart ache slightly.

***

A bit of a routine arose, but things were not getting much better.

Things were progressing. After a few weeks, Dan was given his second glass eye, and he was instantly more comfortable being around people and he was in much lesser pain than he was right after the surgery.

He also received a white cane. Everywhere they went a tap, tap, tap could be heard, and Phil could feel himself going crazy. Dan still ran into walls and tables, his shins were spotted purple with bruises, but he still insisted on practising the technique so he could go out on his own eventually.

He also ordered some blackened glasses, which made him that extra bit more comfortable to go out in public.

Phil bought Dan some Braille books and a Braille keyboard, but they remained untouched in the office because Dan spent too much time sulking around to learn.

He’d only gone out a few times, but it usually ended in frustrated tears stinging the edges of his eyes. He’d knocked things off shelves and ran into people, and stood awkwardly waiting for Phil to pick out everything they needed. He stood aimlessly, listening to muffled whispers and imagining the sympathetic eyes turned towards him. And then they would go home.

Dan was sad. He refused to even visit a doctor, being too afraid of what they would diagnose his mental health as now. He was sad, that was all. The little joys in his life had been washed over by blackness, and he was running out of energy to think positively anymore.

And Phil tried his best, he would ask Dan how he was and compliment him and make him laugh, a lot, but the subtle sadness lingered in Dan’s face no matter how big he smiled. 

Phil did everything for him and led him everywhere and explained everything that was happening, but Dan only grew more exhausted with everyday.

Dan was becoming accustomed to it, and things were only getting worse.

In the morning, Dan found his way to the kitchen first, and Phil followed behind him after hearing him leave his room. He walked up and hugged Dan tightly while Dan just stood there frowning.

“Good morning! How do you feel?” He asked pulling back, and praying Dan would at least crack a small smile.

“Fine.”

Dan turned around, feeling across the wood of the cupboards until he found the handle to open it up. He carefully felt along the shelves for the bowls.

“I can get it.” Phil said, gently nudging Dan’s side so he’d stop reaching. Phil quickly grabbed the bowl, and Dan awkwardly retracted his hand.

Phil put the bowl down and quickly gathered the milk and cereal, and Dan just stood there, listening to the sounds of the cereal shaking and the milk pouring as Phil prepared his breakfast.

“Here, you can carry it to the lounge.” Phil said, placing the bowl against Dan’s hand.

“Are you sure I can?” Dan spat, not bothering to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Phil didn’t say anything, so Dan just reached his hand forward to find the coffee maker.

“Don’t, I’ll pour it. I don’t want you to burn yourself.” Phil said quickly, taking a step forward, but Dan slammed the bowl down on the counter, making milk splash out the sides. He turned to face Phil, his mouth set in a deep frown, and his eyebrows furrowed.

“I’m not a fucking charity case.”

Phil completely froze, his voice caught in his throat. Dan glared at him.

“I-I know, I was just…” Phil stuttered, his voice quivering from being spoken to harshly.

“I know I’m fucking useless, it would just be nice for you not to rub it in my face.” Dan said, his angry composure fading slightly as the pitch of his voice went a few levels up and shook, and his eyebrows rose, making him look younger.

“I’m sorry, I never meant to—”

“I just want to do things myself.” Dan said, hiccuping and wiping at the wetness threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I know, I just…you get so frustrated and hurt and I’m really sick of seeing you sad.” Phil said tenderly, trying to control his voice.

“I know, but you’re doing too much.” Dan sniffled.

“Because your happiness is important to me.” Phil said, making Dan fall silent for a moment. He straightened his back and cleared his throat.

“Well I don’t want you to be my savoir.” He said, his voice sharp again.

Phil stared at him, swallowing his emotions.

Dan reached back to the coffee maker, blinking furiously to get rid of any tears. He picked up the handle, his hand shaking as he put his other hand over the top of his mug, and tried to line them up. He slowly started to pour, the scorching hot liquid close to his skin. He poured it in, stopping when it was only halfway full, and moving the pot away and   
dripping a line of coffee on the counter.

Phil watched him, praying he wouldn't ruin anything. He was aching to go help, but Dan’s words repeated in his head.

Phil turned on his heel and forced himself to leave Dan in the kitchen and not mess up anything more than he already had.

***

A few hours later, Dan was in the kitchen making lunch and Phil was trying his very best not to panic.

He would do what Dan said; he’d let him fend for himself for once. He wouldn’t take over and he wouldn’t baby him. Dan needed to start doing things for himself again. He was an idiot for trying to take over; it wouldn’t help Dan improve at all.

Dan was doing okay so far. Phil kept hearing things being dropped from the bathroom and Dan ran into a few door frames but he was doing fine.

Phil peaked into the kitchen to see two slices of bread on a plate and some vegetables set on the counter. Dan was taking knives out of the knife box, carefully feeling their length to find the one he needed to cut the vegetables.

It made Phil’s heart stop for a moment, and he stood watching him for a moment. He made himself walk away. He needed to stop worrying; Dan would need to learn how to do things like that. He couldn’t take Dan under his wing forever, as much as he wanted.

It was scary, though. Phil couldn’t stop thinking about all the sharp objects and the heat of the stove. Dan could easily hurt himself.

He sat in his room, straining his ears trying to listen for any problems and wondering if he should go and secretly supervise.

“Ah, fuck!” Dan said loudly, breaking Phil out of his thoughts.

“You okay?” Phil called back immediately, standing up quickly and then pausing. Dan didn’t reply for a long moment.

“Um…” Was all Phil heard from the kitchen, so he hurried to the kitchen, stopping in the doorway. A dash of red caught his eye on Dan’s hand. His fears were confirmed; he should have stayed and watched Dan. He wasn’t ready for this.

“Shit, you’re bleeding!” Phil asked, moving across the kitchen to Dan and lightly grabbing his hand to look closer.

“It’s just a small cut.” Dan said, wincing when Phil grabbed his wrist, looking at his finger where the cut was.

“Here, I’ll help you clean it.” Phil said sweetly, pulling Dan gently to the sink. He turned on the tap, keeping his hand under until it was just slightly colder than lukewarm. He pulled 

Dan’s hand underneath the water, watching the blood from the small cut wash off.

“I was just trying to cut a tomato. I thought it would be easy, I didn’t think I’d hit my hand.” Dan said, his head hanging forward.

“It’s okay, don’t put yourself down, you were doing so good.” Phil said encouragingly, putting his hand on Dan’s arm.

“I just want to do things on my own.”

“I know, and you’ll get there.”

They went silent, and Phil kept running water over the cut, washing all the blood away. The air was still thick with tension, and Dan hesitated before speaking again.

“I don’t know if I ever will.” Dan finally said.

“You will, I just wasn’t being very helpful.” Phil said softly.

“I shouldn’t have freaked out at you still…sorry about that.” Dan said.

“It’s fine, really.” Phil said, rubbing Dan’s arm. He looked at Dan’s face, running his eyes over the chapped lips and littering freckles. Dan just nodded.

“I’ll be right back.” Phil said, leaving the kitchen and walking to the bathroom to get a plaster for Dan. He brought it back and carefully wrapped it around Dan’s finger, smoothing it out and patting the back of Dan’s hand.

“Now, c’mere.” He said, pulling Dan towards the counter where he was cutting up the tomato. He put what was left of the tomato Dan’s right hand, and placed the knife into Dan’s other hand.

“Don’t worry about cutting the tomato too close to your hand, we can waste some of it. Just try to steady it by the very edge closer to the top, and cut away from your hand.” Phil said, standing right behind him and putting his fingers where they needed to be. He put his other arm around Dan, grabbing the hand holding the knife and lining it up near the edge of the tomato.

“And cut.” Phil instructed, gently holding Dan while he made the first slice. He hesitantly retracted his arms, still standing close to watch.

Dan sliced the tomato unevenly but satisfactory, stopping half an inch before his fingers. He smiled.

“That was romantic.” Dan joked, leaning into Phil for a moment. They both laughed quickly, and Phil focused his eyes on the redness in Dan’s cheeks, but turned his attention towards the other ingredients before he could think too much.

Dan stayed close to him, his smile faltering slightly. Phil noticed his shallow breathing, and Dan’s face moved closer to Phil’s. Dan licked his lips.

He’s not doing what you think he’s doing, Phil thought to himself, panic bubbling up in his chest.

“Um…okay, let’s cut the onions! How about the blind advantage for this, you’re not going to be crying!” Phil interrupted, his voice over-enthusiastic. He took a small step back.

Dan kept facing Phil, but stopped moving closer. He pursed his lips, but finally turned back to the counter, clearing his throat.

“Okay, yeah, sandwich.”

“Here I’ll put it the right way up in your hand and then you can cut it yourself.” Phil said, and he hesitantly grabbed Dan’s hand, being much too aware of the physical contact. He placed the onion right side up in his hand, and put the handle of the knife into Dan’s other hand. He stepped back.

He continued to guide Dan through the steps, trying not to physically guide him too much, until Dan made an exceptional sandwich.

Dan smiled, mumbling about how excited he was to each his own sandwich.

“You’re so…um, you’re great, Phil. Just, thank you.” Dan stuttered, smiling shyly. There was still a red tint on his cheek.

“No problem, Dan.” Phil said, watching him closely.

Dan smiled awkwardly, hovering for a moment, before finally picking up his sandwich and slowly leaving.

Phil watched him leave, trying not to think too hard about what that was about.

He went back to his room while Dan went to go devour the lunch he’d managed to make from scratch mostly by himself.

Phil thought about how he should have known, being productive once in a while made anyone happier.

He needed to get Dan doing things for himself again, and he needed to get him outside more for his benefit.

Dan needed to get out and have fun. This was progress. Phil opened up his laptop, knowing what to do immediately.

***

“So you’re actually not telling me where we’re going?” Dan asked.

“Nope.” 

“This is unfair. I don’t like surprises,” Dan pouted, his face turning in the direction of Phil’s voice.

“Just take off your blindfold,” Phil said, smiling to himself.

“Not cool, man,” Dan said. Friday finally came, Phil’s plan to give Dan a break was happening. Phil led him with a hand between his shoulder blades, being careful to not run Dan into anyone as the crowd became denser. He had his retractable white cane in his pocket and was just letting Phil lead him because of the crowds Phil told him about at the mystery place.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Phil said, moving a bit faster.

“Finsbury Park? Wait, we’re going to a concert?” Dan asked, perking up and trying to listen to the conversations of people around them.

“Don’t listen to anyone around you, it’s a surprise,” Phil shot back, moving faster.

“I’m so curious, can you just tell me who we are going to see? Please, Phil?”

“It’s starting soon, you can wait,” Phil said.

“Screw you.”

Phil just rolled his eyes, finally reaching the entrance and passing over their tickets. He smiled and led Dan from behind through the entrance, careful not to run him into the barriers.

Dan hesitantly retracted his white cane, obviously sensing the crowd and not wanting to trip anyone. He turned his ear to the noise of people looking nervous.

“Who would bring a blind guy to a concert, he’s going to get fucking trampled.”

Phil immediately took Dan’s arm, leading him in the opposite direction of people making rude comments. Dan frowned, putting his head down and trying not to stumble.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, I-I mean…” Dan started, sounding worried.

“It’s fine, they don’t have the right to be making judgements like that,” Phil said, feeling angrier than was probably necessary.

“This concert doesn’t have seats does it?”

“No.”

“Phil, I can barely walk through the flat without—”

“You’ll be fine, I won’t even let go of you, okay?” Phil said, hooking his arm with Dan. Dan nodded, frowning.

“But everyone’s staring, aren’t they? Everyone can tell because of my glasses,” Dan said.

“Ignore them.”

“I can literally feel the eyes on me,” Dan said tapping his hand nervously against his leg.

“What you need is a drink,” Phil said, pulling him across to the bar tent.

He let his eyes wander around, looking at the people scattered everywhere, hurrying in every which way. Groups of people pulling band merchandise over their clothes with bloodshot eyes and big smiles with drinks balanced in their arms. They got to the counter within a few minutes and brought drinks. Phil quickly pulled Dan in the right direction, where the atmosphere drastically changed.

In the field in front of the stage, the air was hazy with excitement and restlessness, and radio music already blared through speakers, getting louder and louder as they closed in   
to the stage

It was always a wondrous feeling going into a concert. Lights already flashed around, and the anticipation of the night was enough to bring up any dull mood. It was unreal and riveting, and Phil wish Dan could see the scene, but it would be enough to feel it.

He dragged Dan up to the back of the crowd already there, and then leaned over and whispered into Dan’s ear about the lights and all the people and the crazy girl already dancing around with her shoes in hand. Dan smiled widely, bouncing on the pads of his feet to wait for the start.

The previous radio music faded out. Screams and clapping filled the air, and Dan’s head perked up even more.

“Is it starting now?” He asked excitedly.

“Just the support act, calm down,” Phil said.

They both sipped at their drinks, embracing the bitter burn. The main goal of the night was to let go of all of the hardships and take the time to stop worrying. Dan leaned into Phil, only pouring more down his throat because it was time to have fun and disregard all problems and feel alive. He bobbed his head to the opening band, waiting impatiently for the main performance that Phil must have hyped up so much for a reason.

People were starting to press up behind them and move around a lot, trying to get closer and dance to the support. Phil held onto Dan tightly, steadying him as well as keeping him close. He had to take care of him tonight.

It dragged on like every support act does, but finally, the music faded out, and Dan held his breath.

“Thank you everyone, we’re White Denim, and get ready for the Arctic Monkeys!”

The air exploded with screams, and Dan spun to face approximately where Phil was. He immediately took Phil’s shirt into his hands, clutching it tightly and leaning into Phil.

“You’re shitting me.”

“No!”  

“Arctic Monkeys, seriously I fucking love you!” Dan screamed, his voice barely heard over the noise. Phil smiled widely at Dan, moving unnecessarily close. Dan’s smile stretched farther than he’d seen in a while and his cheeks were flushed red, and Phil had to pry his eyes back to the stage. He tried not to look too deeply into the confession because of the situation, but it was hard to control his stomach that was burning up like fire.

They both downed the rest of their drinks, and setting their cups on the ground so they could focus on the music.

It was starting and the bass vibrated through the floor, making Phil feel even dizzier than he was before. It was dark but the hazy smoke could be seen wisping past the strobe lights in time to the beat of Do I Wanna Know. Phil should have felt more entranced by the figure of Alex Turner suddenly on stage, but as soon as he looked to his side, he couldn’t look away from Dan.

Dan had started rocking his head in time to the music, side to side and tilting it up to the ceiling, not caring about anyone possibly watching anymore. Slowly, he started to move his hips. He wasn’t obnoxious or out there, just soft movements fitting perfectly to the music and punctuating the beats and feeling the vibrations.

Phil let his eyes run up and down Dan’s body, feeling only slightly guilty of using his blindness to his advantage. Even if Dan could see him, he didn’t know if he could stop himself from staring.

Hesitantly, he moved closer into Dan’s space, placing a hand on Dan’s hip as he moved his body. Dan tilted his head towards Phil, smiling and biting his tongue gently. He turned more towards Phil, letting his body graze against him. Gradually, he put his arm resting across Phil’s shoulder, and pressed his body into Phil.

He wasn’t at all subtle as he moved his hips against Phil’s, rolling his body and inching closer and closer, as if there was more room. He tangled his fingers in Phil’s hair, holding him close, and rocking his head back and forth inches away.

“Dance with me, c’mon,” he said, and Phil let out a breath he’d been holding in.

Phil felt his face flush. He’d never been much of a dancer, he was never coordinated enough, but Dan moving against him with the heavy bass and beautiful music thumping through his veins gave him a new felt confidence.

He started to move his body with Dan, pressing closer and holding more firmly onto Dan’s hip.

“Close your eyes and just feel, it’s amazing,” Dan said, his voice low.

Phil let his eyes flutter shut, and he rolled his body against Dan. The music blared in his ears and the floor vibrated, sending shivers up and down his spines and sending tingles all the way to his fingertips.

People around him moved around almost violently, but him and Dan were only being pushed closer so he didn’t mind.

He moved his body and led Dan with a strong hand on his hip. He felt dizzy and fuzzy and out of the world with his hands all over Dan and the music literally pumping through his   
body.

He didn’t know how many songs passed but many did and he felt his hair curl with the sweat but he didn’t ever want to stop the feeling he was feeling. The lights flashed in front of his eyelids and the music blared into his ears. He could still feel people around them, screaming and singing and bumping into them occasionally, but with his current mindset, they may as well have been alone.

He smiled and panted, quite breathless, leaning his forehead until it rested against Dan’s. They continued to move together, Dan’s hand against Phil’s chest and moving up, against his neck and then to cup Phil’s cheek. He put his thumb against Phil’s bottom lip.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked slowly, finally opening his eyes.

“I want to kiss you but I don’t want to miss your mouth.”

With barely a second to process what Dan said, he moved forward and pressed his lips to Dan’s, pushing Dan half a step back with the force of his kiss.

He wrapped both of his arms around Dan’s waist, desperate to have him closer because he could never get close enough with Dan. Dan locked his arms around Phil’s neck, holding on just as tightly and clutching onto his shirt and hair and what ever he could get his hands on.

Phil opened his mouth, breathing against Dan for a moment before leaning in again, desperate for the feeling and taste even when the lack of oxygen made him feel dizzy. They moved their mouths against each other, slightly sloppily but that was the least of their problems.

They might as well have been in a dark room all alone, because their attention was on nothing but each other and the thumping music.

They finally broke apart, practically gasping for air after forgetting to breath.

“Fuck,” Dan murmured, running his hands over Phil’s shoulders and down his front. Mad Sounds started to play, and Phil swayed Dan to the tune, smiling widely.

“Yeah,” Phil murmured in response, holding his waist tightly.

Phil leaned down, starting to kiss Dan’s neck. He felt Dan’s body relax as he sighed, and he latched his mouth to gently suck on the sensitive skin. Dan lifted his head and swayed back and forth to the music with Phil.

Dan didn’t release his clutch around Phil for the rest of the concert. They swayed together to the music.

“I feel euphoric,” Dan said, nipping at Phil’s earlobe and holding the back of Phil’s neck.

Phil slipped his arms under Dan’s t-shirt, wrapping his arms around the warm skin right above Dan’s waistband. He wanted to rip Dan’s clothes off, but he was still at least mildly aware of other people surrounding them.

They were smiling widely as the songs flowed on and they grew sweaty and slightly tired. It felt almost endless, until the band said goodnight, too soon as always.

All of a sudden everyone was rushing to get out and beat the crowd.

Phil held onto Dan tightly, worried about Dan getting lost or trampled or both. Dan’s mouth was gaped open in possible fear, probably hearing the commotion around them.

“Just stay close to me and hold onto my arm until we get out,” Phil said into Dan’s ear. Dan nodded, and wrapped his arm tightly around Phil’s waist, leaning into him and clutching onto Phil’s shirt.

Phil slowly followed the crowd, careful to stop Dan from running into anyone. He tripped every few steps over other people, but Phil kept him upright. Multiple people rushed by them, nudging and bumping them, and Dan held tighter onto Phil, clearly uncomfortable. It was hot and stuffy and the random groping was more than slightly unnerving.  
It took a while, but they finally got through the entrance and onto the street.

“Okay, we’re safe,” Phil said, patting Dan’s shoulder.

“Thank God, I don’t know what just happened but that was terrifying.”

“You got through it, though!” Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan and squeezing tightly for a moment. Dan smiled widely at him.

They walked to the main road, trying to hail a taxi. Many others were doing the same thing so it took a while, but someone finally stopped for them and they got in, still bouncing with excitement.

“That really was amazing,” Dan said, smiling. Phil leaned over closer to him.

“It was like, I could feel the music as well as hear it. Okay, that sounded less lame in my head but you know what I mean. I guess it’s like sensory deprivation; all my other senses are enhanced. It’s totally not worth it having to be blind all the time, but that was a cool experience. Arctic Monkeys would be cool either way but I swear that just made it even better. It would have been nice to see Alex Turner but I knew he was there so that was cool still….” Dan rambled on, his knee bouncing anxiously.

Phil leaned forward, catching his lips and stopping his little ramble. Dan immediately kissed back eagerly, leaning forward and catching himself with a hand on Phil’s thigh. 

Whether it was on purpose or not, he kept it there and moved it down to Phil’s inner thigh.

“Are we going to be home soon?” Dan whispered, pulling back for a moment.

“Not quite, be patient,” Phil murmured back.

“I don’t want to be patient,” Dan said, sitting up straighter and pulling Phil closer by his hair.

A few minutes passed whilst they were kissing, and the driver had to cough loudly to alert them of making it home.

Phil pulled away and looked at Dan for a good few seconds before moving. He had a moment of disbelief. This was his best friend he was making out with and groping. The shockingly beautiful and sad 19 year old he first met, back in the time they almost came to be but never did. For the next few years the relationship was like glass. Sexual tension that could be cut with a knife and confused feeling and almost confessions always discarded and forgotten about when the panic settled in; they built this simple and careful life of being best friends and in one night it comes crashing down. But Phil couldn’t bring himself to put an end to it now that it was happening; he never expected it would feel so right.

Phil quickly shook out of his thought and handed over his money, mumbling small, awkward apologies. He pulled Dan out of the taxi, already walking fast towards the door.

He slowed down after Dan almost tripped on the edge of the pavement, but continued to move along. He didn’t know what was going to happen or what Dan wanted but he wanted nothing more than to be alone with Dan in the privacy of their own home. After all of the waiting and curiosity, they’d finally broken the ice and he wasn’t stopping there.

Leading Dan up the stairs, he then let go of Dan to start unlocking their door. Dan placed his hand in the center of Phil’s back, and then let it trail down until he reached Phil’s ass. 

He gave a small squeeze, and shifted closer to Phil.

“I wish I’d spent more time checking you out when I could see. I did sometimes of course, but it just wasn’t appropriate most of the time,” Dan said, his voice low. Phil let out a breathy laugh, being at quite a loss for words.

“But you know, I think I’ll be able to map you out and get a good enough idea,” Dan said, moving one hand to Phil’s crotch.

“Shit, yeah okay,” Phil breathed, fumbling with the key for a few seconds before finally getting it in.

He pushed open the door and pulled Dan in, already hurrying up the last set of stairs.

He paused for a moment, before walking towards his own bedroom, pulling Dan by the hand. He left the lights off, so even he could barely see much in the dark. Even if Dan didn’t know, he felt better doing it.

He turned to press his lips to Dan’s, and led him to sit down on the bed after lifting up the covers so they could go under the sheets. Dan’s hands immediately found their way up and under Phil’s shirt, and onto his chest. Phil pulled his shirt up from the nape of his neck, and discarded it to the floor. Dan gently pushed Phil back on the bed so his head was   
on the pillow.

Phil reached past Dan and pulled up his blanket, wrapping it around Dan’s shoulders and hugging him over it. He moved his mouth down to Dan’s neck, kissing it and making Dan squirm and giggle slightly, being so sensitive. He tilted his head down and closed up his neck slightly, but Phil didn’t stop because he could hear Dan sighing in content, and feel his racing pulse below the skin.

Dan moved to straddle Phil’s hips and sit up a bit, the blanket falling around his shoulders like a tent. He ran his hands up Phil’s chest and down his sides, pressing into the soft skin like he was imprinting it into his mind.

 “Sorry, I just want to touch you,” He muttered.

“It’s fine,” Phil said, perching up on his elbows.

Dan quickly pulled off his shirt, accidentally knocking his blackened glasses off in the process. He quickly felt around the bed beside Phil, grabbing them and pulling them up to   
his face, closing his eyelids. He got ready to put them back on his face, but then paused.

 “Actually, do you mind if I leave these off?” He asked, hesitantly.

 “No, I don’t mind.”  

“It’s okay if my eyes creep you out or something….”

“No, really, take them off.” Phil assured, taking Dan’s glasses off for him and setting them on his side table, next to his own glasses. He smiled widely at Dan, not caring that he couldn’t see. The action really was a miracle; Phil didn’t know if he’d ever see Dan with open eyes again. Dan knew he looked dazed and his eyes went off course occasionally and didn’t look quite normal, and he’d made his hatred for it very clear. Showing Phil his glass eyes was just confirming his trust in Phil.

Dan moved his hands down, unbuttoning Phil’s jeans, and slowly running his hand underneath Phil’s boxers, not going all the way down. He twisted his fingers in the hair and felt the hot skin. He hooked his fingers under the waistband and paused.

“Can I….” He started, nodding down to Phil’s crotch.

“Yeah.” Phil said. Dan pulled his jeans past his hips and thighs, fumbling a bit with the tight material.

For a few moments, he sat back on Phil’s thighs and ran his hands over the soft juts of Phil’s hipbones and along his sides. Dan pressed the pads of his fingers into Phil’s skin, memorizing the shape of his body. He let his eyes flutter shut and he moved his hands up again, pressing into Phil’s soft stomach and then down towards his crotch.

Dan felt like his whole body was heating up, and his heart was racing and pounding against his chest. His breathing was quickened and his head was spinning, making him slightly dizzy, and it wasn’t just from the alcohol.

“I can’t believe this is only happening now,” Dan breathed out.

He felt over Phil’s form underneath his boxers, his mouth falling slightly agape.

“If it was up to me it would have happened much earlier,” Phil said.

“Then why didn’t you make a move?”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to!” Phil exclaimed.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Why didn't you say anything then?”

“Okay, we’re both fucking idiots,” Dan said, laughing. He palmed Phil through his boxers, making Phil’s breath stutter.

He finally pulled down the boxers, and then moved his hands down to cup Phil’s balls, running the pads of his fingers over the skin until he finally grabbed Phil’s length, only slightly awkwardly. He stroked along the hot skin, feeling the curve and using his imagination to the best he could. Phil let out a long, shaky breath.

Phil watched in a bit of a daze as he brought one hand over to Phil’s face, touching his cheek and finding Phil’s lips with his thumb. He leaned forward and kissed the corner of Phil’s mouth, his hand still slowly stroking Phil.

Dan started to pump Phil, getting used to the size and the feeling. He kissed Phil hard, pressing their tongues together and moving his lips naturally. He rubbed his thumb over the tip, making Phil shudder. His other hand tangled in Phil’s soft hair, tugging slightly.

They kissed for a couple minutes, the sensation making them both light headed and having to gasp for air. Dan’s hand moved in constant motion, working Phil, and Phil could feel his stomach start to clench. “Slow down, I don’t want this to be over too soon,” Phil said quickly, and Dan’s hand faltered.

Phil ran his hands up and down Dan’s side, scanning his eyes across the tanned skin.

“I don’t know how far you want to go with this, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” Phil said.

“I want to do everything with you.”

“You mean—”

Dan caught Phil’s lips, kissing him hard and nodding against him quickly before pulling away.

“Okay,” Phil breathed out, getting the hint. Phil lightly pushed Dan, and Dan rolled off of Phil, sitting next to Phil as Phil reached over into his side drawer. He placed his old—mostly unused—bottle of lube on his side table.

Dan leaned back against the headboard, staring straight ahead and waiting patiently. Phil moved to kneel in front of him, and he rubbed his hands over Dan’s thighs, skimming over his crotch and opening his fly. Dan lifted his butt off the bed as Phil pulled his jeans and boxers down and off.

“I feel so exposed, not being able to see you too,” He muttered.

“You should be feeling hot because that’s how you look,” Phil said.

“Nice one,” Dan said, laughing loudly.

“I try.”  

“Please don’t try any more pick up lines on me,” Dan said, still laughing as Phil rubbed his hands up and down Dan’s thighs.

“Sorry,” Phil said, giggling and moving forward to kiss Dan. He looked Dan up and down, and then pushed his legs so they were spread open. He hesitated before reaching over to grab the lube, he was aching to say something and he didn’t want to go too far without confessing.

“I love you,” he said quietly, surprising himself a bit with the blunt confession. He’d never really been able to admit it to himself, but he knew it was true the whole time really.  
He watched Dan as his mouth fell open in surprise, then a smile grew on his face, and he bit his bottom lip looking like he was trying to contain himself.

 “I love you, too. If you hadn’t noticed,” Dan said, letting out a small giggle and feeling a blush grow on his face.

Phil moved forward on his knees and kissed him, hard and longingly, smiling and making it hard to kiss very well. He finally reached for the lube and poured onto his hand, and moved down to circle Dan’s rim. Dan breathed out long and hard and Phil finally pressed a finger inside of him.

“I love you so much.” Phil repeated.

He kissed Dan, trying to distract him as he slowly added a second finger, and started moving his fingers in and out and scissoring them a bit. He curled them inside of Dan, making 

Dan gasp sharply. He pumped them in and out, feeling the skin gradually stretch.

“Another one, please, I can take it,” Dan gasped, making Phil’s head spin just hearing how breathless and blissed out he sounded.

Phil slowly pushed a third finger inside, stretching Dan as best he could. Dan grimaced a bit and Phil slowed down but he slowly began to relax and look more peaceful. He kissed Dan, hearing him gasp pleasurably every time he pulled back. He moved up and down on Phil’s fingers slightly, his body tensing and relaxing around them.

“I need you in—inside of me, oh fuck your fingers. Please, I’m good,” He said, his voice going high pitched as Phil curled his fingers inside of him.

Phil hated removing his fingers, seeing Dan so pleasured from them, but he quickly poured some lube and rubbed it over his length.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hips tightly, pulling Dan’s whole body down so he was lying down on the bed. Dan moaned out at the authoritative action and at Phil grabbing onto the undersides of his thighs tightly, lifting his legs and keeping Dan quite immobilized.

With one hand next to Dan’s head for balance, he lined himself up and pushed into Dan, letting out a shaky breath. He slowly pushed all the way in, pecked Dan, and looked to see how Dan was taking it.

“You okay?” He asked sweetly, keeping himself from moving yet.

“Yeah…okay, yeah, you can move,” Dan said, breathlessly. He wrapped his legs up as far as he could on Phil’s midsection, crossing his ankles to keep them there

Phil slowly pulled out and in, getting used to the feeling and the tightness of Dan. He kissed Dan below his jaw, starting to suck on the skin, harder than before and making a mark. He found Dan’s hands, interlocking their fingers on either side of Dan so Dan could have something to hold onto. He squeezed Dan’s hand every time he rocked back inside, unintentionally pressing Dan into the bed, but Dan didn’t seem to mind at all.

His bed creaked with every thrust, and the headboard bumped against the wall. He made a note to move it farther away but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about it now.

He let his teeth graze across Dan’s neck where he felt his pulse, thinking about all the times he’d dreamed of this. Now here he was, with Dan gasping at every thrust and laying beneath him with full trust, squeezing his hands and clenching around him. Just knowing that it was Dan here with him gave him a wonderful feeling inside of his chest and butterflies in his gut.

“You’re so beautiful. Fuck,” Phil said, his voice low and raspy.

He angled in differently, smiling when Dan’s back arched slightly, and Dan let out a ‘Yes,’ under his breath. He came back in the same angle, slightly farther and slightly harder, feeling Dan clench.

“I’ve been thinking about this since I first met you,” Phil said, and Dan seemed at quite a loss for words, but he just moaned in response, squeezing Phil’s waist by pressing his legs   
closer.

He kissed Dan again, putting as much passion into it as he could. Dan sucked on his bottom lip and he unintentionally sped up his thrusts, moving into Dan a bit harder and feeling himself get closer.

He took back one of his hands, grabbing Dan’s length and starting to pump him in time.

“Close,” Dan sighed out. Phil pumped him harder and moved a bit harder, letting his head fall just above Dan’s shoulder hearing Dan moan quite erotically into ear as he shook and came.

He came nearly instantaneously after hearing Dan right in his ear, his head spinning and his hips shaking. He thrust in a few times, working himself through it.

He slowly pulled out and rolled next to Dan before he collapsed on top of him. He lay close to him, running his hand along Dan’s arm and panting.

Dan turned and smiled in his general direction, taking his hand and holding it, running his thumb across his knuckles.

“You’re amazing. Pun intended,” Dan said after catching his breath for a minute.

“You too,” Phil said with a laugh, kissing Dan’s shoulder and pulling his blanket up to cover them both slightly.

“You’re also hot, have I ever told you that?” Dan asked.

“No.”  

“Well you are,” he said as Phil wiped off his hand on the sheet.

“Well you’re gorgeous,” Phil said.

“Shut up.”

“No.”

Phil leaned over and kissed Dan. He turned so he was on his side facing Dan, and he wrapped his arm over Dan.

Once he pulled back, Dan shimmied down on the bed a bit and buried his head into Phil’s neck and curled up his legs around Phil’s, having to shift quite a bit to get comfortable. He wanted to feel smaller. He wanted to feel protected in Phil’s embrace.

Phil pulled the blanket up completely, hugging Dan tightly above it, feeling like he still couldn’t be close enough.

Dan yawned against Phil, relaxing into the soft sheets and sighing as his heart went back to beating at a normal pace. He felt nothing but blissfully relaxed now.

“Times like this I can pretend I’ve just shut my eyes,” He mumbled into Phil’s neck. Phil pulled him tighter.

“When I’m with you I’m not so afraid of the dark anyways,” Dan continued, mumbling and with sleep evident in his voice.

Phil kissed his head, and brought one hand up to rake it through Dan’s hair. He pawed his fingers against the back of Dan’s neck and down his spine, hearing Dan sigh in content. 

Phil breathed in sharply, making a real effort not to burst into tears at Dan’s confession.

“Go to sleep, Dan,” Phil said with a strained voice.

“I love you,” He replied.

“I love you, too. So much.”

***  
Phil woke up first, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the sun streaming in the room.

He still had an arm lazily draped across Dan, and his face was mushed into the pillow right above Dan’s head. Dan’s limbs were spread out randomly and twisted in the bed sheets from slight restlessness during the night, but he was still mostly curled into Phil. Phil shifted a bit and pulled Dan closer.

He watched as Dan slowly moved, humming quietly as he woke up from Phil’s movement. He reached his hand forward, bumping it into Phil’s nose.

“Ow,” Phil mumbled, laughing quietly.

“Shit, sorry, did I wake you?” Dan asked.

“No, I was already awake,” Phil said with a laugh. Dan rested back on the pillow, a smile stretching on his face.

“Fun night last night,” Dan murmured, smiling.

“Very,” Phil said, squeezing Dan. He let his eyes shut, still being very drowsy and half asleep.

“Hey, Phil?”  

“Yeah?”

“I haven’t thanked you properly, for everything you’ve done,” Dan said, snuggling closer.

“You say thank you literally 50 times a day,” Phil said.

“No, I mean…in general, I’d be so sad if you weren't here. So fucking sad and useless. I’m pretty useless still, I know that—”

“You’re not—”

“Shh, let me finish. It’s just that I’m so blind to the world. Well obviously but…okay, I’m not very good with words right now so just bear with me. Okay. Basically, it’s really fucking scary, and it’s hard to feel all here when everything is so empty, you know? There’s so much I miss and I feel oblivious to everything going on. I wake up everyday and feel so panicked because I try to see things and there’s just nothing there.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. But you’re always there, and I know I won’t be left in the dark because you’ve stayed through everything. I feel so lost and vulnerable sometimes, but I can hold onto you and I know you won’t leave me sitting in the dark. You’ve given me so much, and I really thinkI’d be so lost without you here,” Dan finished, hiding his face in Phil’s neck.

“Oh, Dan, I’ll always be here,” Phil said, stroking his fingers through Dan’s hair.

“I was so fucking sad at the start. I still am, everything is still pretty horrible at this point, but I didn’t think I could enjoy anything anymore. But I think I can still enjoy life, y’know? I think you kind of proved that.”

“Of course you can.”

“You really need to have a mental breakdown so I can help you through it and pay you back,” Dan said.

“You don’t owe me anything, I do it because love you a lot. If you hadn't noticed how I’ve felt for the past 5 years,” Phil said.

“I love you a lot, too. And don’t go calling me oblivious, you’ve been clueless for the past 5 years, too.”

“That’s fair.”

Dan moved his face forward, slowly pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek.

“Shit, that wasn’t your lips,” Dan groaned after a pause, pressing his face into the pillow and laughing.

“So close!”

Dan propped himself up on his elbow, and took Phil’s face in his hands. He rested his thumbs on the corners of Phil’s mouth, then leaned in and slowly kissed him, still getting   
used to the wonderful warmth and taste and the butterflies in his chest.

“Much better.”

***

They were in the kitchen, Phil sitting on the counter eating blueberries, and Dan standing in front of the oven.

“And…stop,” Phil said, and Dan stopped pouring the pancake mix in the pan. A bit dripped on the stove and sizzled up as Dan placed the ladle back in the bowl. He picked up the pan’s handle and tilted it in a circular motion so the gloopy mix spread out quite evenly. He placed it back on the stove, almost centred on the heat, and smiled proudly.

He started grabbing the supplies off the counter to put them away. He put the eggs and milk back in the fridge, and grabbed the whisk to put in the dishwasher. It was unnecessary to clean up yet, they rarely did work ahead of time, but Phil knew Dan just wanted to show off how he was doing the job with ease and giving back to Phil by fixing him breakfast.

He walked close to the counter to walk back to the stove, and Phil stretched his leg straight out so Dan ran into it, with a noise of surprise. Phil laughed, and pulled Dan’s sleeve so he moved close, stumbling slightly. He kissed Dan before he could even open his mouth to talk, and lingered on Dan’s lips for a moment, relishing in the feeling.

He pulled back and stared at Dan, watching a big goofy smile grow on his face and his cheeks darken. Phil affectionately ran his fingers through Dan’s fringe, moving the hair out of his face. He pecked Dan’s nose quickly, before turning him and gently pushing his shoulder in the direction of the stove. Dan giggled softly, walking over.

He didn’t know what he and Dan were yet, all he knew was that his stomach fluttered and his heartache and he wanted to scream his love for Dan to the world. It was like a dam had been broken and he refused to hold back.

“I think it’s ready to flip,” Phil said, noticing the heat was a bit too high and the edges of the pancake were starting to smoke.

Dan bit his lip, picking up the pan slowly. He grimaced slightly, holding out the pan and getting ready to toss it. He pressed his lips together and flicked his wrist.

Phil watched nervously, cringing when a bit of the pancake fell out the side and onto the floor.

“Shit, it fell on the floor didn’t it?” Dan asked.

“Just a bit.”

Phil sat still, expecting Dan’s face to fall or to hear frustrated cursing, but his whole body relaxed when Dan started laughing.

“I hope you will still accept my gift of half a pancake,” Dan said, and Phil laughed with him.

“I can already tell it will be better than half of any other pancake in the whole entire world,” Phil announced happily. Dan smiled widely and set the pan back on the burner.

He turned and walked towards Phil, reaching his arms out to feel where Phil’s thighs were. He trailed his hands up, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist and burying his face in Phil’s chest. Phil wrapped his arms tightly around Dan’s shoulders, smiling against his head.

They stood like that for a minute, thoroughly enjoying the affection that had never quite been there before.

“I’m doing better at least,” Dan finally murmured. Phil kissed the top of his head.

“You’re doing amazing. I’m so proud of you,” Phil said, emotion seeping into his voice.

Dan hid his smile against Phil’s chest, pulling him closer so Phil was at the edge of the counter with Dan between his legs.

“Really?” Dan whispered. Phil nodded against him.

“I love you,” Phil said softly, only tightening his grip, ignoring the scent of burning pancake for a moment.

And there truly was a sliver of light.


End file.
